A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I
set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We
sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to do a download from
my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of
us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button ,
Nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: You've Got
Male!"
The OFFICIAL CGCC JOKES thread
Moderators: Sparky, maxlords, machine.slave, Doc Kaos, mark, jasonec
It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did.
Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did.
Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.''
The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.''
Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did.
Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.''
The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.''
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.
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One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try. The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow.
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
"What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified.
"Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
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"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!?
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!?
This is a block of text that can be added to posts you make. There is a 255 character limit.
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"
The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. "What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"
The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
This is a block of text that can be added to posts you make. There is a 255 character limit.
Police Warning
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases,
the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
"Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?"
How to Treat a Woman....
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her.
Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her.
Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her.
Cuddle with her. shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand. Write lover letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to Treat a Man
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. don't block the TV.
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her.
Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her.
Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her.
Cuddle with her. shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand. Write lover letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
How to Treat a Man
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings. don't block the TV.
"Aunt Bethany, does your cat eat jello?"
I can't believe how long it's been since somebody posted in this thread, so I'll post some jokes 
.
You know what kind of furniture Chuck Norris has in his house? Bowflex.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
.
You know what kind of furniture Chuck Norris has in his house? Bowflex.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water and make it drink.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
Check out my stuff for sale!!!(click below)
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MuppetMaster
- Canadian Club
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- Joined: Thu Jan 13, 2005 8:31 pm
- Location: Hamilton,Ontario
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Diamond Dave
- Canadian Club
- Posts: 2184
- Joined: Sun Jun 13, 2004 12:36 pm
- Location: London, Ontario
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that
the rather hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and
smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to
him, and although she looked familiar he can't place where he might
know her, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the
father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that
I nailed on the snooker table in front of everyone while your
partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replies, " I'm your son's English Teacher."
the rather hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and
smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to
him, and although she looked familiar he can't place where he might
know her, so he says "sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the
father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful,
"Christ!" he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that
I nailed on the snooker table in front of everyone while your
partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replies, " I'm your son's English Teacher."
I got this in an email from my GF, its Called: Little girls are so Innocent
> > >A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He
> > >smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
> > >
> > >Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
> > >of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and
> > >stared at the ground .
> > >
> > >He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
> > >attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
> > >
> > >"Daddy, what are those two Spiders doing?" she asked "They're
> > >mating," her father replied "What do you call the spider on top?"
> > >she asked " That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered " So,
> > >the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
> > >
> > >As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
> > >question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs".
> > >
> > >The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
> > >then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "We're not having
> > >any of that gay shit in our garden!!!"
> > >A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He
> > >smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
> > >
> > >Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
> > >of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and
> > >stared at the ground .
> > >
> > >He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her
> > >attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
> > >
> > >"Daddy, what are those two Spiders doing?" she asked "They're
> > >mating," her father replied "What do you call the spider on top?"
> > >she asked " That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered " So,
> > >the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
> > >
> > >As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
> > >question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs".
> > >
> > >The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
> > >then took her foot and stomped them flat and said "We're not having
> > >any of that gay shit in our garden!!!"
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