The OFFICIAL CGCC JOKES thread

[machine.slave]

I figured, what the heck.. we need some more humour in the Donut Shop. So if you've got a funny joke (or a few of them), post 'em in here so we can all have a laugh!

Rules (subject to change):

- No racists jokes
- Nothing too offensive (use your own judgement, but don't be offended if the mods have to edit or remove the joke at someone's request)
- Nothing too raunchy.. this is a family-oriented board, after all.

Here's my contribution (yanked from an earlier thread):

Martin, Harper and Layton are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in British Columbia when Martin turns to Harper and says, chuckling, "You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy."

Harper shrugs and replies, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy."

Not to be outdone, Layton says, "Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 32 million people happy."

[Charlesaway]

Here's one I heard from a friend at work:

Recently, President Bush, as part of his presidential duties, visited a public school. While at the public school, he sat in on a class filled with young, eager students.

The lesson for the day, the teacher said, will be tragedy. Seeing his opportunity to engage these young minds, President Bush stepped up to the teacher and asked if she wouldn't mind letting him address the class on the issue of tragedy. The teacher readily agreed.

To start, President Bush asked the students if any of them knew what a tragedy was. A little girl put up their hand, and President Bush asked her to stand and explain it. She said: "A man is crossing the street without looking, and is hit by a speeding car and dies. That is a tragedy."

President Bush said: "That's a good guess, but that's not a tragedy; it's an accident. Anyone else?"

Another student raised their hand and said "A school bus full of students is driving through a mountain pass, hits a sheet of ice, and slides off a cliff, killing everyone on board."

To which Bush replies: "Close, but no. That is what is known as a great loss. Does anyone else have an idea?"

A child at the back of the class rises and says: "Air force one is flying through the air with the President, First Lady and Vice President onboard, when they are hit by a missle. The plane explodes and nobody survives."

Finally Bush says: "Very good, son. How did you know that was a tragedy?"

The boy thought for a minute and replied: "Well, I know it wasn't an accident, and it sure would be no great loss."

[Scott84]

Yo mama''s so fat, she dont need the Internet, she's already world wide.

[mark]

oh momma jokes eh?

Your momma is so fat her peg leg has a kickstand.

[Scott84]

They are jokes yea know

Yo mama is so fat, the last time she saw 90210 was on the bathroom scale

Yo Mama is like a bus, she's big she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride.

Yo Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a species will be extinct.

[CANADIANZOMBIE]

Confuscious say "Man who have hands in pockets all day, always feel cocky".

[nik]

"It was a bit more cold today, I saw my local MP walking around with his hands in his OWN pockets."

Yo momma so fat, when she jumps for joy, she gets stuck!

[Thetik]

Yo momma so fat, when she jumps for joy, she gets stuck!

russell peters

heres some

Your so fat when you sat on a gamecube it turned into a gameboy advance.



Vice President: Mr. Presesident 3 brazillian soldirs have just died

Bush: Oh no...Oh no... tHis is BADDDD...O NOOOO...O NOOOOO...THIS IS TERRIBLE...

2 minuts later...

Bush: Mr. Vice President...how much is a brazillion?

[Davester]

Yo Mama is so fat... when she walks out of the house with a red shirt on, eveyone yells "Hey Kool-aid"

Confusus say... man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways, going to Bankok.

Hear endeth the lesson.

[Mr.Meow]

oh momma jokes eh?

Your momma is so fat her peg leg has a kickstand.

Yo momma's got a glass eye with a fish in it

[The Spoony Bard]

here are some puzzling and funny riddles that i love to tell young kids. your kids might like these too.

Q: why doesn't cinderella play soccer?
A: she keeps running away from "the ball".

these next jokes work best if you don't let the victim just reply "how?" but actually encourage them to guess.

Q: how do you put an elephant into the refridgerator?
A: you open the door, put the elephant in and then you close the door.

Q: how do you put a giraffe into the refridgerator?
the victim will think they're wise to your logic and guess that you open the door, put the giraffe in and close the door. but you say...
A: you open the door, take out the elephant, put the giraffe in and close the door.

Q: the king of the jungle (the lion) holds an animal meeting and tells all of the animals in africa to attend. which one neglects to show up?
A: the giraffe, because you haven't let him out of the refridgerator.

Q: an african river is inhabitated by man-eating crocodiles. you have to get across but there's no boat and no bridge. how do you get across?
A: you just swim.
the victim will ask "what about the crocodiles?" and you say...
A2: they're not home. they're at the animal meeting remember.

[misspent_youth]

oh momma jokes eh?

Your momma is so fat her peg leg has a kickstand.

Yo momma's got a glass eye with a fish in it

Yo momma's got an afro with a chin strap...

[Jumpman]

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

[CANADIANZOMBIE]

What do you call a prostitute with a chipped tooth?

Answer: An organ grinder

[Scott84]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.

I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She let?s him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax.

Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed................

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."